By Emily Hanlon
When we label a child with an adjective, we’re not just describing their behaviour; we’re defining who they are.
Phrases like, “Oh, he’s shy,” can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Imagine feeling uncomfortable in a situation, only for someone to assume they know what’s happening and then broadcast it to everyone around you. Why do we feel the need to do this to children, when it would feel invasive and unwelcome as adults? Whom does this labelling serve...the child or the adult?
Accepting a child for who they are means seeing beyond labels. Labels often act as a bridge between our expectations and reality. For example, we might expect a child to interact with adults in a certain way based on our own experiences or cultural norms. When they don’t meet those expectations, we may feel the need to explain it. That’s when we resort to labels like “shy” or “aggressive.” These words simplify the situation for us but fail to honour the child’s unique developmental needs and experiences.
This issue isn’t exclusive to children; we see it with adults too. Family members who consistently behave in a certain way are often excused with, “That’s just who they are.” But the stakes are higher for children. Labelling them early can hinder their ability to grow and change, trapping them in expectations they might not have chosen.
Are Labels About Us or Them?
Often, labelling a child reflects more about the adult’s insecurities or discomfort than the child’s actual needs. When a child doesn’t greet a grandparent or hug an unfamiliar adult, it might feel like rejection. To protect the feelings of the adults involved, we’re quick to justify the behaviour: “Oh, he’s just shy.” But this reaction prioritises adult comfort over the child’s autonomy. It shifts the focus from understanding the child to managing how others perceive our parenting.
Let me share a personal story to highlight this further... My father, a classic ethnic parent, loves introducing my kids to his friends. Sometimes, my son retreats or hesitates, and my dad will say, “Oh, he’s shy. It’s not you.” But it’s not about anyone. My son is simply taking a moment to process the situation. This is normal and healthy. Why should we expect children to dive into social interactions immediately when even adults need time to warm up in new environments?
Mixed Messages and Safety
The inconsistency in how we approach children’s behaviour sends confusing messages. We tell kids to be wary of strangers and to trust their instincts, yet we’re baffled when they hesitate to greet someone unfamiliar. These mixed signals can undermine their ability to advocate for themselves in unsafe situations. How can we teach children to trust their feelings if we constantly override them with labels?
Reframing the Narrative
A perspective shared by Dr. Becky Kennedy resonates deeply: when children take their time to warm up to new situations, it’s often seen as a weakness. But what if we viewed it as a strength? A child who observes before engaging demonstrates self-awareness and confidence, qualities we hope to see in our teenagers. We want our kids to make decisions based on what feels safe and right for them, not what’s expected by others.
Parenting, at its core, is a long game. It’s not about how children behave in a single moment; it’s about building a lifelong relationship based on trust, respect, and understanding. By putting aside our immediate need for comfort and validation, we can focus on supporting our children as they navigate the world on their own terms.
In the pursuit of raising well-rounded and emotionally intelligent children, it’s important to reflect on the language we use to describe them. Labels like "shy," "naughty," or "aggressive" may seem harmless in the moment, but they have lasting effects on a child's self-perception and emotional development.
Why Labels Stick
Children are naturally egocentric, meaning they see themselves as the centre of their world. When adults label them, they internalise those labels as truths. If a child repeatedly hears, "You're so shy," they may begin to see "shy" as a fixed part of their identity, rather than a feeling that can change. Unlike emotions, which come and go, labels feel permanent. This rigidity can limit their ability to see themselves as adaptable, multifaceted individuals.
For example, my little one Luca, who used to play soccer. One day, he said "mum, I think I'm going to be a bit shy at soccer today." While it was impressive that Luca tried to articulate his feelings, "shy" wasn’t a precise emotion. Through gentle questioning, I was able to help him recognise that he was feeling nervous, not "shy." Nervousness is a feeling that can be addressed, soothed, and eventually overcome. But "shy"? That’s a label with no clear way out.
The Problem With "Independence" as a Goal
Today’s parenting culture often promotes "independence" as the ultimate goal. We’re bombarded with messages about "raising independent kids" as if it’s the gold standard. But true emotional health isn’t about being independent all the time; it’s about knowing when to ask for help and when to stand on your own.
Interdependence, not independence, is the real goal. Interdependence teaches kids that it’s okay to lean on others sometimes. It’s okay to hold a parent’s hand during soccer practice or sit quietly and observe before jumping into play. When parents are comfortable supporting their child’s needs, children learn that they’re safe to explore at their own pace. They’re also more likely to develop self-awareness and the confidence to eventually go it alone.
How to Shift Away From Labels
Reframe the Language: Instead of "He’s shy," try saying, "He’s taking his time to feel comfortable here. I'm sure when he feels comfortable he would love to join in!" This acknowledges the child’s process without turning it into a fixed trait.
Name the Emotion, Not the Child: If a child appears hesitant, ask them, "Are you feeling nervous? Curious?" This builds emotional literacy and helps them understand that feelings change.
Speak From a Strengths-Based Perspective: If a child isn’t engaging, you might say, "He’s a great observer. He likes to take everything in before joining." This frames the behaviour as thoughtful rather than timid.
Model Self-Reflection: When parents feel the urge to explain their child’s behavior to others, it’s helpful to pause and reflect. Is this explanation for the child's benefit or for their own social comfort? Often, it’s about easing adult discomfort. Instead, embrace the discomfort and advocate for the child.
Advocating for Your Child
If other adults, like grandparents or teachers, are using labels, it’s okay to set boundaries. You might say, "Hey, I’m trying to avoid using the word 'shy' because I’ve noticed it’s not very helpful for [child’s name]. Can we try calling them a 'careful observer' or 'curious' instead?" Most adults will be receptive to this shift once they understand its purpose.
Sometimes, it’s not just adults who use labels, children use them too. If a cousin says, "Why doesn’t she want to play? Is she shy?" you could respond, "No, he’s just checking things out. There’s a lot to see here, and he’ll play when he’s ready." This not only shifts the perspective but also models for other children how to avoid labels.
The alternative to labelling is recognising and valuing each child’s unique journey. Instead of viewing children as mini-adults, we see them as fully human, people worthy of the same dignity and respect we afford adults.
When we embrace this view, we’re less inclined to rely on labels and more inclined to meet children where they are. We’re also more likely to accept that kids don’t have to fit neatly into societal ideals of "bold" or "outgoing." Instead, they can be exactly who they are: curious, observant, playful, thoughtful, slow-to-warm-up, or any number of other beautiful qualities.
Every child deserves the chance to grow into their own unique person without being boxed in by labels. Our words matter. When we shift from labelling to describing, from explaining to accepting, we give children the space to be exactly who they are. They learn that feelings change, identities are flexible, and they are worthy of love and respect just as they are. And that’s a powerful lesson they’ll carry for life.
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