By Emily Hanlon
If you've ever witnessed a child struggling at drop-off, clinging to you with teary eyes, you may have asked yourself: Is this normal separation difficulty, or is my child experiencing anxiety?
For many parents and clinicians working with children, understanding the distinction between separation anxiety and difficulty separating is crucial. While both can look similar, they stem from different underlying factors and require different approaches for support.
In this blog, we’ll break down the key differences, provide insights into why children react the way they do, and offer strategies to help ease the transition for both parents and children.
What Is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a developmental stage where children experience excessive fear or distress when separated from a primary caregiver. It is most common in younger children (6 months to 3 years) but can persist or arise later in childhood.
Signs of separation anxiety include:
✔️ Clinginess that persists throughout the day
✔️ Crying or extreme distress that doesn’t subside after the caregiver leaves
✔️ Physical complaints (e.g., stomachaches, headaches) related to separation
✔️ Nightmares or trouble sleeping due to fear of separating the next day
✔️ Difficulty concentrating at school due to overwhelming anxiety
For some children, this anxiety is severe and persistent, leading to a clinical diagnosis called Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD). Children with SAD may refuse to attend school, struggle to participate in activities without a caregiver, or constantly worry about something bad happening to their parents.
What Is Difficulty Separating?
Difficulty separating, on the other hand, is a normal developmental response that many children go through, especially during big transitions like starting school or childcare.
Signs of difficulty separating include:
✅ Tearfulness or resistance at drop-off
✅ Clinginess, but the child is able to calm down shortly after the parent leaves
✅ Looking forward to seeing their caregiver again, but still engaging in activities during the day
✅ Returning to normal emotions after a short period
Unlike separation anxiety, difficulty separating does not significantly interfere with a child’s ability to function. It is temporary and often an indicator of secure attachment rather than a clinical concern.
Attachment and Separation: Can My Child Be Securely Attached and Still Struggle with Separating?
Yes! Many parents worry that if their child resists separating, it must mean they have an unhealthy attachment. But in reality, securely attached children can still experience difficulties separating from their caregivers.
Attachment theory suggests that children form bonds with their primary caregivers that provide a sense of safety, comfort, and trust. Even in a secure attachment, moments of separation can feel challenging because the child is used to their caregiver being their safe haven.
A child with difficulty separating but a secure attachment:
✔️ Feels safe in their caregiver’s presence
✔️ Shows distress when separating, but can calm down after reassurance
✔️ Engages in social interactions and learning once settled
A child with separation anxiety disorder:
❌ Feels overwhelming fear at the thought of separation
❌ Struggles to regulate emotions even after their caregiver leaves
❌ Remains anxious or distressed throughout the day
When to Seek Professional Help
If your child’s anxiety is severe, persistent (lasting more than four weeks), and interferes with daily life, it may be time to consult a professional.
Signs that professional support is needed:
✔️ The child refuses to attend school or activities due to separation fears
✔️ Physical symptoms (e.g., stomachaches, headaches) occur frequently and are linked to separation anxiety
✔️ The child struggles to sleep due to worry about upcoming separations
✔️ Anxiety is interfering with friendships, learning, or social experiences
A child psychologist or counsellor can help develop coping strategies and provide tools to support both the child and parents in managing separation anxiety.
Separation-related difficulties exist on a spectrum. While separation anxiety disorder is a serious concern, difficulty separating is a normal and temporary part of development.
As parents and clinicians, our role is not to eliminate all distress but to support children in building resilience and confidence in handling separations.
By validating their feelings, creating predictable routines, and practicing gentle exposures, we can help children feel secure—even when apart.
Need More Support?
With 5-6 hours of expert-led video content, plus a comprehensive Anxiety PDF (RRP $29.95) and Anxiety Resource Guide (RRP $12), I have created the Ultimate CPD Bundle on Anxiety.
This bundle equips psychologists with practical strategies, differential diagnosis insights, and interventions to ensure they can support children effectively.
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